The Hidden Gems in My Trauma
This photo was taken early on during the 28 hours I spent in the ER before finally getting into surgery. The ER was experiencing an influx of significant trauma and urgent situations. I was thankful that mine was not as significantly urgent as some of the others that required immediate life saving attention.
Exactly two weeks ago, I had surgery on my neck to fuse together and repair three broken vertebrae. It’s been 16 days since the mountain biking accident which caused that damage along with six broken bones in my upper-mid back.
My mind has been on a wild and fascinating roller coaster ride these past couple of weeks. Despite immense pain and discomfort, I initially rode a huge wave of extremely positive highs acknowledging how fortunate I was to be alive, not paralyzed and able to slow down and appreciate the many little things in my life.
In recent days, the roller coaster has taken some big dips and sharp bends that I wasn’t quite ready for. To be completely honest, I’m ashamed to say that my mindset has been very negative at times. My impatience (which can sometimes be a strength of mine) has caused me to get frustrated. It’s led me to push harder with my PT (physical therapy) even when my body wasn’t ready for it. It’s led me to give greater power to the pain and limitations that I have been experiencing. In short, my response to my situation in recent days has been very poor and I’m NOT proud of that.
After a rough evening of physical, mental and emotional pain and discomfort, I woke up this morning determined to reset and restart. After some quiet time in prayer, reflection and meditation, I’m now reminded of where I was just two short weeks ago. I see more clearly that my expectations, at this stage of the process, are very unrealistic. I see that while I still have a long journey ahead of me, I have many reasons to believe that, once I get there, I’ll be as good as I was before all of this. I know that everything happens for a reason. God needs me to slow down and capture the lessons that are in front of me. I have so very much to be grateful for.
As I work to regain a better, more positive outlook and mindset, I’d like to share a few thoughts on the two things I believe I can control: my perspective and responses to my situation. I cannot control the pain, the lack of strength or the timeline for healing my body. I can control how I interpret these things and whether I choose to ‘respond’ or ‘react’ to them.
A few days ago, I went almost 24 hours taking very few pain pills or muscle relaxers. I don’t think my pain ever rose above the number 6. This was such a welcome departure from my routine. I unconsciously digested this as getting closer to my complete and full recovery. Viewing my recovery as a linear process, I pressed on aggressively with two days of PT (physical therapy), quite a bit more standing time chatting with visitors and I began attempting more independence by doing some activities on my own without the help of others.
Yesterday, I hit a huge wall. My pain levels increased dramatically. My muscle tightness amped up. I felt as if I just took ‘three steps backward’ after my ‘two steps forward’ the day prior. Boy, was I mad.
I was mad at everything… My body, my actions, my mindset, my vision of tomorrow. I got lost in everything that was wrong with my situation. In short, I had ‘reacted’ to my improvements in an unhealthy way and my perspective was focused solely on an unrealistic view of reality. I knew better but I didn’t DO better.
After I reset my perspective this morning, I began to see my situation ‘the right way.’ I’ve come to realize several things this morning:
I’m only two weeks out from nine broken bones in my neck & back and significant surgery. I should not expect to be independent and without pain.
I have an incredible wife and life partner who is doing everything possible to ensure my complete and full recovery.
I have multiple high-quality medical professionals who have told me that I’m doing even better than expected and that I must be patient.
In some ways, I have disrupted my own recovery by pushing the limits on physical activities that I was warned to be cautious about.
I have several kind, loving people contacting me all day every day to support and encourage me.
I have the feeling in all my extremities and a strong solid core that allows me to do much more than many others with similar injuries.
My mind is alert. I can choose how I interpret everything that I’m experiencing. I can decide to respond in a positive way or unconsciously react in unhelpful ways.
I have a strong foundation of resiliency that has been building up and strengthening over the last several years as our family has faced many significant unexpected challenges. I have tools and resources that I can use to better cope in these challenging times. In short, I have a headstart over others with similar injuries. I am thankful for this.
I’m aware that I have a natural tendency to focus on problems and try to fix them right away. This often amplifies the intensity of the problem and creates even more negative consequences. I see that this isn’t helpful and I know that I can be proactive in fighting these natural urges when they are creating bigger issues.
My 18-month old grandson has visited me twice now since I’ve been home. He’s getting more comfortable with my neck brace and is interacting with me more like he did before my injury. This warms my heart.
I have the time and space to reflect more and be more intentional in how I live my life, both now and in the future. God has given me the gift of being forced to slow down. This isn’t my natural tendency. But I know that when I do slow down, great things happen in my life and in the lives of others.
You may be reading this at a time in your life when things aren’t going well. I hope sharing my words helps to provide you some inspiration to shift your perspective and responses to the challenges in your life.
